Edinburgh 2010
“This is it,” Rowan told herself. “Come on girl pull your shit together and get out there, sitting here isn’t going to get you the job or out of this soul sucking city,” it's the out she needed, the job would pay well and she’d be able to go travelling faster. Working a nine to five, shitty job would take years to save the money she wanted. So why was she shacking like a leaf and sweating enough to fill a pool? Gently patting down her face with a tissue - not wanting to ruin her carefully applied makeup - and taking slow, deep breaths in an attempt to meditate, that frankly had never worked in the past, but was definitely worth a try.
“It’s only dancing, you can do this... you love to dance,” Her type of meditation failed to calm her thumping heart. “Pull yourself together Rowan, and get out there, you’re not doing any good in here,” Standing abruptly before she could chicken out, she made her way to the stage, butterflies taking off in my stomach, - more like swallows hitting a glass door that butterflies - palms slightly moist. “This will change your life, now straighten up, lift your chin and show them what you’re made of,” She muttered, not quite believing it yet herself.
Sitting in the dark, he waved her forward, indicating that he was ready to begin. The club was in darkness but the stage was brightly lit, no hiding places. The music startled her at first, it’s not what she would have chosen but she went with it, Madonna - like a virgin - was what they gave her – apt since was she one!
*
Three weeks later and Rowan was about to do her first night shift, probation was over and she was finally going to earn some real money. This would make or break her, not physically but it would defiantly suck if she screwed this up.
Club Noir was the hottest place in Edinburgh at the moment, the place to be seen if you were into all that, and although she worked there it wasn’t her scene at all. She preferred the quieter life, away from the lime light, when not working.
The other girls are ok, three of them amazingly beautiful and graceful. They’re the ones most asked for and they earn the most in tips. It’s hard for Rowan not to feel inadequate when in their presence. Thankfully she hadn’t had to deal with them much, until tonight that is. Getting used to the leering and rude suggestions was difficult at first, but that’s why we’re here. It’s our job to tantalise them, provoking those feelings. At first it was shocking but now it just seems normal, what isn’t so normal is the amount of woman that grace this place with their presence. The girls don’t come in to watch the dancers; they come in here to track down eligible single men, although finding a good one is a strip club might be a stretch as far as she was concerned.
Eva, Star and Willow were dancing tonight as well as herself, it just so happens that they are the incredibly beautifully graceful ones she had been hoping to avoid being paired with. This was likely to be a disaster on a catastrophic scale; she would end up looking like the ugly, uncoordinated, frumpy sister you’d rather hide in the closet than be associated with, next to these three. No way would the punters be interested in her once they had seen them.
She wished, not for the first time tonight that she was on with Kat, Lesley and Penny, they were at least normal, she could compete with normal but these three are ..... Otherworldly. Imagine standing next to Aphrodite or Venus, that’s how she feel standing next to them – like a dull star next to the sun. Completely obliterating her self confidence.
Penny, one of the other dancers that had taken Rowan under her wing, was helping her get ready, she’d been the one to teach her how to really tease and tantalise with dignity. ‘If you rush to take it all off, what’s left for them to imagine...” she would say – constantly – Penny had picked out the outfits for the two dances tonight as well.
The first one is just one long piece of white silk that would be wrapped around her body, Penny thought this would be the easiest way to start tonight, Rowan wasn’t so sure. Te Amo by Rihanna, was her first dance, and she hated it, it was too slow and went on for ages, but Rick had picked it for her and until she proved herself, she couldn’t argue with the boss. Like a virgin was the second and although she hadn’t liked it at first, it suited her just fine, it was feisty and short.
Needing space from her thoughts, she applied her home made body lotion, on top of that, the gold shimmer powder then the heavy makeup, outlining her eyes and rubying her lips while Penny fixed her hair, so that the mask wouldn’t slip during the dance. Penny wrapped the ‘outfit’ around and around until Rowan felt like a giant present, a hysterical giggle escaped, as she wondered if anyone would think she was the booby prize next to the other three. Placing the mask on, she appraised herself in the mirror, bright green eyes looked back from behind the white feathered mask. Long shinny auburn hair, half pulled up at the sides while the rest was left to trail down her back, she pulled her lips into a smile. She was as ready as she’d ever be.
**
Adrian sat with a group of his ‘friends’ Christ life was boring! Why had he let them drag me here, it wasn’t his scene. Why would he want to come here when he had women throwing themselves at him on an hourly basis? Just once it would be nice to have to work at getting one to notice him, HIM and not his power or position. He’d give it all up for that, for a normal life.
Club Noir - what a cliché - it’s the same as every other lap dancing place, with only one exception that he could see.
Sitting with the usual entourage of ‘friends’, he tried to look like he was at least enjoying myself. It took some effort on his part. His smile was most definitely fake tonight, not that anyone had noticed. He was used to faking interest in things that really held no appeal; it was how he’d survived these last 16 years in hidden exile. No one could know who he really was. But maybe now he should assert some command and take back his life, he was strong, stronger than most and had allies if he needed. But he couldn’t do that to his mother.
If only he were normal..... He’d be able to do his own thing, live the life he wanted. The life he saw every day, passing him by. It would be nice to not be on guard all the bloody time. He could do or not do what he wanted without having the entire world looking for him. Life was never what you wanted was it! Prison would be easier to escape. Nope, no chance of parole ever for him, not unless he could find a way home!
Turning his attention back to the stage and away from his own melancholy, he watched to two dancers.
As he figured, the two dancers in front of him – although he’d never met them – knew who he was, and they wanted him. He could have them both, and not even that was doing it for him tonight. Nothing of late had held his interest, except going home.
He had to give them credit though; they were good at what they did. Everyone in this place was excited, blood pressures where high. If only he could feel that way, feel something real for a change.
Another one was dancing now, she was feisty and she made it clear that she wanted him. This one caused a faint stirring of lust to bubbled up inside. She would be a distraction form and otherwise dull night, it would pass a few hours at least.
He briefly wonder if he’d put in enough time to leave unnoticed - glancing at the friends to make sure they weren’t paying him any attention - slipping from his chair he made his way to the back of club where the stage door was. Just about to slip through the door when a warm tingle, ran down his spine, stopping him in his tracks. His eyes were drawn to the stage where a dancer was getting ready to start. He could feel her anxiety seeping into him, filling him with her fear, like he was siphoning them from her. This was strange and something he’d never felt before, he made his way back to his seat, trying to figure out what had just happened. This one was different.
**
Willow and Star were dancing together tonight, they had just come into the dressing room chattering with excitement, and Rowan listened to them to keep my mind occupied while she waited for her call.
“Did you see him, isn’t he the most gorgeous thing you have ever seen star?”
“I know, I know... I... I can’t believe he’s here.... Do you think he came for one of us?” As they continued their speculation - excitement raising their voices to an almost inaudible level - She had to stop listening, they were giving her a headache. Concentrating on the dance, she was able to drown them out, running it threw her mind again and again so that she wouldn’t need to think about it when she got out there.
It was almost time, so gathering her strength, she left the dressing room. Eve had just come off and should be on her way to the dressing room but instead she was twitching the back curtain like a busy body neighbour, it looked like she was waiting for someone. Eve was a strange girl but Rowan couldn’t worry about her just now. She had to keep her head in the game.
Taking deep cleansing breaths to steady her fraying nerves, she waited.
It was time..... making her my way on to the dark stage she took her seat on the floor facing away from everyone, arranged her arms above her head, hands crossed at the wrists, fingers set like an Indian dancer and bowed her head and waited for Rick to finish.
Ok Rowan, you can do this..... It’s just that same as dancing during the day..... Remember what Rick said and look above their heads not in their eyes. Penny had said something too... what was it again.... Her hands were shaking so much when Penny’s words came flooding back. Think of dancing for your lover, it’s just the two of you and no one else, it makes it easier. The music came on and the spot light lit her up. “To late to back out now without looking like a fool.” She looked above everyone and danced for her fantasy lover. “Phew” She made it through the whole song without fainting or falling over her own feet... It’s not funny, it happened her first day on the job, talk about embarrassing but now was the hard bit. With her back to the club, she tied one end of her outfit to the pole and began to unravel myself.
Totally feeling like a prize idiot rather than a present.
She grabbed hold of the taped down material, freeing it and with her last twirl and dropped it to the ground, then followed it to finish the dance in a crouch. She had made it...
When she looked up, it was into the horrified face of a man but it was his eyes that held her attention. She never thought she’d ever see eyes like that again- kind sad, grey eyes. They reminded her of someone, someone special. Unimaginable pain ripped through her entire body, causing her legs to tremble, she clenched her teeth against the pain.
The lights went out.
She had to move but couldn’t.
Her heart was in pieces in the bottom of her stomach and her legs wouldn’t obey commands to move.
Staring, eyes locked in battle, at this strange man who had crushed her in the blink of an eye- literally- she was crushed, a steam roller couldn’t have done a better job of incapacitating her.
He had the same eyes as Jake but it couldn’t be the same person, Jake would be in his late thirties, this guy wasn’t any older than twenty. It was this realisation that finally allowed her to move enough to wobble off the stage and back to the dressing room. It didn’t matter that it wasn’t actually Jake, it was too late, the emotional avalanche had already begun before her brain could rationalise this.
**
Adrian sat unmoving. The way she moved her body to the music was incredible, he couldn’t take his eyes off her, and for that matter he couldn’t breathe either.
She had cast some kind of spell over him and he was helpless to do anything but sit here and suffocate, as she weaved and twirled to the sultry sounds. It was like she was dancing just for him.
He was mesmerized.
As she started to unravel the material, her sweet scent enveloped him and set every molecule in his body shivering with delight in anticipation. It was almost enough for him to forget where he was, his control was slipping, throat burning and body throbbing in time with the music.
These where real feelings! Nothing like the tickle he’d felt for the other girl, these were devastating and dangerous.
He needed to have her - but she’d destroy him! He would lose his very soul to this girl - but she might actually be worth it - his mind was reeling and the monster was stirring, he could feel it reacting to her.
He needed to calm down before he lost control, and everything that he held dear – like his humanity – In fact he needed to get out of here. If anyone saw his reaction to her, her life would be over. They would use her to turn him and against my will - and he’d do it - The monster was already growling with need, he was losing control quickly. He hadn’t felt this alive since the fever. What was it about this girl that had him losing control now after 16years of feeling nothing? From what he could see, she was pretty but that never affected him before, she was average height, long auburn hair, shapely body, her breasts were not to large - just a handful – but she had him captivated....
He would give her anything she wanted. Anything
How could he keep her – was he strong enough to keep her alive – would they use her – could he walk away from her – could he truly live without her, different endings were playing out inside his head. His life with her, his life without her – he shuddered at the thought of living without her. Adrian’s life had just changed in the space of a second.
Having not taken his eyes off her and try as he might, not controlling his reaction to her either; it was out of his control. He just hoped that no one was paying him any attention right now.
She ended her dance right in front of him and their eyes locked. The feeling of helplessness engulfed him and left him drowning in her eyes, floundering around trying to keep his grip on reality as his mind reeled off the possible outcomes.
He soaked in every detail of her face, but it was her eyes that held him. The pain he saw there snapped him out of his delusions, reminding him that she was different.
The lights went out. He could still see her - with his sight working better in the dark - Her anger faded and she looked like she had crumpled in on herself, tears were trickling down her cheeks. She closed her eyes and seemed to pull herself together enough to stumble off the stage. He wanted to go to her, to help her, make her feel better, take the pain away but again, he was frozen.
He couldn’t see her as she went through the curtain but he could hear her trapped sobs as she tried to keep them inside.
The need to grab her and run from here, protect her from everyone, overwhelming.
He had to remind himself that it was him she needed protection from at this very moment. He should leave but couldn’t make himself go.
His life really sucked.... finally he had found something worth his interest and he couldn’t have it without causing irrevocable damage. He sighed and slumped back in his chair, knowing he would wait for her to come back out even though it might be the end of him, and possibly her too. The other girls came and went, they held no interest for him, he I was still here for one reason and only one. – Selfishness - he knew he should be paying more attention to the others but his mind was occupied with only one thing – Rowan.
**
It was Eve, Rowan saw first, she was still standing in the same spot as before.
“Rowan don’t cry” she sounded concerned. “Rowan don’t cry, it gets better... easier... don’t.... don’t worry about Adrian, you’re.... you’re not his kind, that’s all. It’s.... it’s not your fault. I’m his kind, even if you had been here for years it would still have been the same. Come on Rowan you’ve got one more to do, you better get cleaned up or Rick will toss you out!”
She couldn’t talk or even smile, just nod her head and continue to the dressing room.
Ripping off the mask revealed the devastation of her face; her eyes held a world of pain in them that she thought had long since been buried. Her mind kept going over the horrified look on his face. Was she really that repulsive?
Having thought she had dealt with these feelings years ago, she didn’t expect them to be hit with them now... or ever. When Jake left the Home he had crushed her and she had cried for weeks, maybe months, she missed him dreadfully. Only four at the time, but the loss was heart hardening. She had never let anyone get close until Jake, he somehow gotten through her defences and crept into her heart. Jake was 17 almost 18 and she knew he would be leaving us soon, everyone at 18 did, but he had promised to visit, and to take her with him next time. Before Jake came she had no friends the other kids would pick on her, push her around and tease her until she cried and hid under her bed. Jake changed all that. He was her hero, he was tall - but then everyone was a giant to her at four – and unbelievably good looking, – not that she noticed then but looking back she could see why the other girls disliked her, especially when he left, they blamed her because he spent his time with her and not them – He was more like Hercules or Superman to me. Although the pain was bad then, it somehow seemed worse now, instead of fading with time it was intensified, making it more than any human could bear. Acid churned in her stomach as sorrow clogged her throat and the sob that she held back threatened to tear her apart the moment she let it out. She couldn’t let that happen. She’d worked so hard for this and would be dammed if she was going to let some memory stop her now.
Penny let herself in. She was here to help her change for the next routine. Rowan had about 20 minutes to get it together and reapply her face. She swallowed hard to dislodge the sob caught there and wiped her face. Penny was giving words of encouragement and praise but none of it really got through, she was too busy trying to pull herself back together.
Finished with her face, she put on the crystal bra and thong set; they were made to look like she had nothing on but crystals. Pulling on the black stocking with a crystal line down the backs of them, trying not to rip them and placing her feet in the black 6 inch black stilettos. The last thing she had to put on was long black crystal encrusted gloves. Her hair would stay loose so she didn’t need to do anything to it. She was dressed but didn’t know if she could go through with the next dance. The only thing that was keeping her from bolting for the door or crumbling to the floor was the fact that she needed this job; needed the money, if she was ever going to leave this city of heartache and go travelling. This was the fastest way to earn enough to go sooner rather than later. And she needed to be out of here if she was going to have a life.
Maybe they guy wouldn’t be out there, he certainly look horrified and ready to bolt for the door. As she started towards the stage, with Penny in tow babbling words of encouragement and praise, she would make sure that no one looked at her like that again. As she got closer to the stage her resolve was setting, she was not going to let anyone destroy her again. She didn’t care what they thought as long as they liked what they saw and where willing to pay for it. Her heart was hardening again, she could physically feel it solidifying beneath her rib cage. By the time she got to the stage Rick was introducing her again “Rowan the devils delight”.
Masking all her feelings. She danced like her life depended on it. Made eye contact with everyone except HIM, she knew he was still here but didn’t dare look at him, didn’t want to chance looking into those eyes again. Every man in here wanted her, she could feel it “good” this is what she needed, this is what was going to get her out of here.
**
Adrian watched her while like a virgin blasted out. This was not the same girl, something had changed. This Rowan was hard and confident, she moved across the stage like she owned it, making eye contact with everyone but him. There was no fear or anxiety coming from her. What had happened in the 20 minutes she was gone. She was beautiful, graceful, powerful, intoxicating, erotic and very feminine, every heartbeat in the club was zinging with desire for her, the pressure of their desire was crushing in on him, he felt like his skin was being peeled away from his body and he wanted to tear everyone to shreds and bath in their blood. A growling hiss escaped from his chest, he spun and fled the club before he could follow through with what he wanted to do. He needed to be out of there. What was she doing to him?
Although Rowan never looked directly at him she caught glimpses of him now and then, he looked sickened one minute, angry the next. As aware of him as she was she saw him get up and leave – faster than was possible to move – but because she wasn’t looking right at him it must have been an illusion, the lights playing tricks with her eyes.
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